Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

mom gave me mine for free

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

me when somebody idk start touching me

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …