in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
OH. COME. ON.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
58.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato