Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New mindset, who dis?

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”