In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
on da cob, we all corn
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”