Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

“just sayin” who asked you though?

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

yes… yes…

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out