In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me

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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”


Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill


I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn


[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.


[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.


I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.


Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.


Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”


Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.


“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.