In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me
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I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
– a love story
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
me: “absolutely none”
Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids