It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
You Might Also Like
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin