@possibilyss: In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me
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@thentherewasmo: Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it's going to be stuck that way forever
@ShortSleeveSuit: [fancy restaurant] ME: *combs my beard with a fork* HER: what the hell man ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
@daemonic3: [home depot] me: i think i like this huge decorative rock her: boulder me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK