@possibilyss

In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me

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@CJhooray

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk

@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

@KeetPotato

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

@jwoodham

Just once I’d like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, “Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood.”

@OkieGirl405

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids