In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me, too, girl. me, too.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.