Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

making my dog give me my pills

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

Monday Lisa

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed