@dad_on_my_feet

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

@KeetPotato

[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it’s beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website

@robdelaney

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

@pumpkin_horse

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

@TheBoydP

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

@JannaKilimnik

Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.

@nolifecoach

To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome

@RealPrincessKim

You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.