In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.