In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.


Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?


[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it’s beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website


If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.


*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you


Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.


Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.


To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you’re wondering how the condoms got in your cart….You’re welcome


You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That’s basically my only plan in life.