In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
You’re not my real can
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Tremendous stuff
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.