In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”