In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”