In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.