In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
This kid is going places
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it