Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

me to God

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.