Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

is this a threat

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

rapatouille

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings