Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

why does this building look like a guilty dog

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious