In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.