Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.