In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Ok but actually
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.