In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep