In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
More like Kate Missington.
the rocks need my help
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.