Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

new dr. seuss book dropping:

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.