Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)