In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?