Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.