In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship