In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ