Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO