In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
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if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%