In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Very good news from my accountant
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Seems kinda suspicious
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Hmm 🧐
