Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.