In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?