In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
You Might Also Like
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.