In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3