In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda