Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

I hate my earbuds.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me