In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Last night someone was sharing how their great grandpa passed away and when they said “he was shot through the heart” it took every brain cell i have not to say “and you’re to blame”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.