Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Stop.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

This kid will have a bright future.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.