Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Netflix and you sit over there.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm