Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.