In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
You Might Also Like
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.