In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“i am a sweet baby”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.