In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
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Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I am yelling
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Krampus.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.