In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.