Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

Well, that didn’t work.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: