In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE