Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian