Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.