In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Skills
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Is this a threat?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.