@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

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@GeorgiaSweet20

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

@AimeeHelene1

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

@iwearaonesie

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

@Babasnookie

At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

@batkaren

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

@Tups13

The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.

@HereComesCunty

thinking of starting a karate dojo so I can get all my shitty jobs done by random kids

@RuthePhoenix

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.