What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
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[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*