Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Awesome parenting 😂

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.