Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

this is the best interaction on twitter

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Canadian owl: Eh?

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.