In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
You Might Also Like
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*