In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
hand it over!
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?