In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.