In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
What legos do when we’re not looking.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that