In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Friends that check up on you >
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.