In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
grandparents are too precious for this world
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
🥲
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
mom had nothing to worry about
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
🐶😂
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.