In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
You Might Also Like
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
…żyje?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!