Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.