[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Miscakes
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !