in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
hmmm
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
