in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
dictator is short for richard potato
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
