In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*puts my mental health in rice
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
