In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.