In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
What the hell happened here.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”