In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.