In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Coffee for people with no kids
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.