In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
That’s amazing.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.