In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The booster protects against what, now?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Two types of dogs.