In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
dude it’s called proctologist
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.