In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
(2022)
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
How to wake up a Beagle
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.