IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Just me and my debit card against the world
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.