Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

they should create new variants of dopamine

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned